Farewell, Kristin

My therapist, Kristin, informed me yesterday that she's moving. I instantly just thought to a new locale here in Boise. Um....no. Virginia. That may make weekly visits a tad bit difficult. I'm feeling really optimistic about it at the current moment. Panic has not set in. Tad bit freaked is all. I don't have too long. Spring Break. I'm ok, I'm ok......I think.
Regret flooded me when she told me. All the crap games I have played. The bending of the truth at times. Getting pissy with her when she told me the nasty, ugly truth. Letting my "bitchy teeanaged girl" show. That's her description, by the way. Endlessly questioned if I really want to get better or not. Here I had this smart chick, a licensed psychologist, help me out each week. But, no. I wouldn't give up ED so easily.

I wonder if I can cram 3 years of goofing off into a few weeks of total make-up!! Not likely. Besides, that wouldn't be classic me. This is just a case of don't know what you have 'till it's gone. While I totally embrace freedom of expression, I'm doing quite a good job at holding back all the obscenities swirling around in my head. But....when I swear, Kristin will swear back.

I will not have a new therapist. My choice. But I'm getting this flashing "CAUTION" sign in my head right now. Besides, if records were ever requested from Kristin, there's NO WAY someone would want to take me on! I'd question their credentials if they did.

I'm going to miss my blonde-haired, blue-eyed therapist. I will miss telling her her office is too hot and then play with the thermostat. She still doesn't have a 2012 calendar in there. Alas! She let me down! Who's going to sit in random spots in her office? Will she even have a new office? And who's going to have staring contests with her? Who's going to have staring contests with ME? Who on earth will hold the talent of making a grown woman cry just by asking "Why?" in the softest tone? And where the heck else am I going to find a doctor that brings me DIET COKE???

I trusted. She honored that. She never gave up on me. Though I'll give her crap, she isn't abandoning me. She's got a lovely little fam bam. It's the right choice for her. And that's important, too. Totally.

Well, Miss Kristin.....I have the utmost respect for you. Always have. I love you for helping me. For continually challenging me and making me think. For pressing all the right buttons. Whether you believe it or not....I am more focused and grounded after being in cahoots with you each week. God bless you, chick.

And safe travels for you and your family.

The Damn Hard Part

When I lost my job in June, I had no idea what to do. I would lose my insurance in 2 weeks. Granted, I would be put on my husband's, but insurance is messy. I flirted with the idea about stopping working on my recovery all together. What the f*** was the point now? I thought. If all of a sudden going from two incomes to one with a mortgage, car payment, bills, MY medical bills, etc. wasn't a big enough stressor or trigger, I had no idea what was. I actually punched my Ford Escape and busted a couple fingers. I hadn't even made the first payment yet.

I didn't know what to do. Go find a job or work on my recovery. My recovery was suffering greatly right then. When I expressed these frustrations to my my husband, he told me "Just pick one and do it." Despite needing the extra income to make the mortgage and other bills, he gave me the choice to solely focus on my recovery. I could not believe that. I thought recovery would totally be a jaunt down easy street with no work stress. Oh my heavens, how I was wrong.

To get a basic idea of how my life goes right now, here is an example of a typical 2 week period for me:
Aug 11 - Rhonda, my dietitian.
Aug 16 - Dr. Skinner
Aug 22 - Dr. Ashaye
Aug 23 - Kristin, my therapist.

Those are all actual appointments coming up. They are spaced very close together. My providers call each other if concerns arise or if I have a special request. They're all very good to me. Very loyal. But, and this is a big but, there are agreements. For example, if I ever tell Kristin I am actively suicidal (no, I'm not) and go and do something regardless of the help she's offered, she will drop me. End of relationship. And I totally understand.
In addition to my appointments, I keep daily food logs. Everything that passes my lips needs to be logged. Many times I forget to do this. It just needs to become a habit. This information is very informative for my dietitian, Rhonda. She can see what my weaknesses are and where I had good, strong days. On the days I forget to log, or the log is sparse, I must explain. That I don't like to do. As always in every regard, honesty is the best policy.

No, my kids don't come to these appointments. I'm not ready to tell them about my disorder yet. Later. I must find daycare. My sister, Hollie, and mother in law, Doris, have been absolutely astounding in working with me so I can go to my appointments. My family takes care of me very well. I am one lucky chick.

After all appointments are done for the week, I am absolutely floored with exhaustion. But I must continue on. I have my household and family to help take care of. Thank goodness I get lots of hug therapy at home. Cause, you know, sometimes I just want to kick my feet up and relax. Knit. Zone. Rest my head on my hubby's shoulder.

It's damn hard. But blogging my struggle publicly has produced an insane amount of rewards. Each time I see the count go up, I am so very hopeful that someone realizes they are not alone. I totally encourage emails. Whether you've got anorexia, bulimia, ED-NOS (that's me), binge eating disorder, or others, you are not the only one and not alone. There is nothing anyone can tell me that I don't know. However, I can be scared. Dr. Skinner told me one time that if I continue down this road there's a good chance I'll never recover. That stung.
That's the kind of stuff that needs to be told to people. Some of us may never recover. Some of us may die. But we need the truth told to us, and for us to get better, we must tell the truth.