I lost my job on June 17th. I am 32 and had been working continuously since the age of 19. Despite having two kids, I have never been a stay at home mom. Not until now. I have no job. I watch my kids during the day. My recovery efforts with the eating disorder have been "half-assed" according to my husband. My work life deeply affected my home life. I wasn't focusing on my recovery at all - merely going through the motions hoping something would change. But being home during the day has opened up a new way of life.
I was given the choice to work on my recovery fully or look for another job right off the bat. While solely focusing on doing the actual hard work in recovery terrified me, I chose that. I have the time. I have the resources. I have people. How do I choose NOT to do it? And so I've been alone in my own thoughts. Alone in recovery.
It's been extremely liberating. My biggest challenge right now is the actual food. I now work with a dietitian that specializes in eating disorders. I am extremely fortunate to work with her. One thing she did while creating my meal plan was give me choices. For each meal. While it seems extremely obvious, I had never had it presented to me like that. I'm allowed choices! That tweeked something inside me.
I have a wrist watch with three different alarms on it to remind me to eat. Yep. I am notorious for "just forgetting" or some other lame excuse. And I was clearly instructed to eat even if I was not hungry. The whole point is so my body can get its metabolism back in balance and function normally. Because, right now....it sure does not!
Being alone during the day has put everything on me. There is no one watching me. I'm on my own. And that is scary to me.
It's getting done. Some days my food choices are whacked all out of order, but food is getting in. I look over my plan each morning and try to mentally plan what I'm going to eat for the day. But, as it turns out, it's actually remembering my times that is most difficult. I can't just eat when I feel hungry....I've kind of lost that sense in my body. It's starting to slowly come back. But making the conscious effort to eat is where the work is really being done. I do well most days, and overall, I'm pretty proud of myself. And yes, it's true. When the body is properly nourished, the mind soon follows. My mind is now focused on my relationships in life and how to properly interact with different people. And yes, food is one of my relationships that need to be worked on. As far as eating goes, my therapist flat out said, "It has to be done."
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| Find the courage to be yourself. |
Being alone in recovery has been a good thing. It puts a lot of accountability on myself. And reporting back to my team in an honest fashion is what follows. That's a little hard sometimes, but today my doctor was pleased with my food intake. When stuff like that happens, it keeps me motivated. Work harder. And my husband has been a freaking trooper with me. We talk honestly and openly about everything, and finally I can now talk freely about food and my own body image. What a whole new thing.
