Thursday, June 30, 2011

To My Badass Beast

It is certainly my honor to know you. You showed up, amazingly, at a time when I needed you most.
I've been watching an amazing transformation in you recently. Even if I don't show it, I want you to know
that all your support and encouragement has, in fact, helped me along my road. And that one fleeting minute you's happening. When I consider my darkest moments with the disorder, I think about what you see and get past it. I work hard and honestly.
Your energy is so admired by me. You ability to take a dark damned demon and grab it by the horns to use it to your advantage is absolutely amazing! I love how you're handling it. That takes a gnarly beast of a person to even attempt!! And, girl, I am sooooooo super stinkin' proud of you!!!!
I do miss seeing you in the halls at work. But the time I've had to spend with you and talk with you one on one I wouldn't trade for the world.
You're an amazing young woman. I know you will continue to fight because that's what you're meant to do: fight.
You've got back up. Day or night, any time.
You're in my heart and on my mind...all the time.
I love you, I'm proud of you, and yes....we've got this shit.
From one phenomenal badass beast to another - ~J

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Bitchin' Bathingsuit

I bought it because it was a mandatory item to bring to the eating disorder treatment center in Utah. I tried to plan last winter just how much weight to lose so I would look good in the dreaded bathing suit.
Spring came and I became nervous. The heat has recently become worthy of being called summer-like. I knew the day was coming sooner if not later. A day at the water park with the family. And today was that day.

Granted, it's nothing fancy. It just looks like a black halter top with short shorts. Just so it covers my blub and holds the girls in orders, ya know? Well, hot damn, mission accomplished. And you know what didn't happen?

People didn't stare at me. They didn't point and laugh. They didn't whisper. The world didn't stop. I didn't try to cover myself. And the time with my family wasn't trashed because I wore a bathing suit.

None of my nightmarish thoughts ever came to light. It was just fine. That being said, I won't say I didn't compare myself to others. I did. But I actually felt a bit of confidence. Floating along in tubes, I told Jason I felt like a vienna sausage.
Like sardines?
No, a vienna sausage. They're fancier.
You're full of bologna.

It was a good day, and I beat the stupid bathing suit fear.

Thank you for reading! 

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Filters down, here's my voice.

Well, some of it anyway. 

Shockingly enough, it's not my recent termination from work (yep) that possesses my thoughts; it's how recovery has changed since that day. A born people-pleaser, I have done virtually nothing but try to please people. In my former job, I was trained to put others first. And that has its place. Never have I seriously taken  the time to figure my own self. My voice was silenced and ED-NOS became who I was. And it's what I fight to this day. Still. Recovery is slow. It's trying. It's frustrating to the people that treat me and take care of me. No one has quit on me yet, but changes have occurred.
My dietitian. Due to scheduling conflicts I have transitioned to a new one. In Idaho there is only ONE registered dietitian that specializes in eating disorders. So my current one I am seeing does not. But she is trying. I have tried to strip away as much of the disorder as I can so I benefit and so she doesn't get so frustrated. It's not about pleasing her, it's about remembering it's a partnership. I pay her to help me eat. And trusting her, building the relationship, SUCKS. But I must. What a frustration.

In therapy this week, Kristin pointed out that I have been given something wonderful. Though as termination from my job SUCKS, I now have all this time to think about my recovery and WORK ON IT. Fuck. Panic set in when she told me this. There is no distraction anymore. No more excuses. She asked how I felt about that. I'm not sure exactly what I said, but she retorted with "Don't give me that bullshit answer."
So, for one of the first times ever I looked her square in the eyes and told her what I thought of it. Pleased with my true answer, she then questioned me. 
Damn. Talking sometimes just gets you in trouble. Right now it feels like this.
It's like I have a big strip of duct tape over my mouth. I'm shaking my head back and forth, hair whipping from side to side. I am trying to scream my way through the duct tape, but no one can hear me. My voice desperately wants out, and it's on the tip of my lips, but I can't let it out. 
Enter my dear friend Meagan. This girl means business. Essentially, she tells me that if the world or someone doesn't like me for me, then fuck 'em. And she tells me to go ahead and write what I need to write. Fuck everyone else. Say what I need to say. Someone might need to hear it. You never know who's going to read it. She's been one of my biggest cheerleaders, and I begin to believe what she says. 
And I then remember her attempted suicide. Her reaching out to me and shortly thereafter sharing her story with the virtual world. Her honesty. Courage to write what she does. No shame. With what she has shared, I know I can share what I need to say. 
So, in utter disorganization, here are a few things in list form that I'd like to say. No holds barred. 
1. I'm not stupid - I take everything in. Everything. In detail.
2. I got sick, but I'm not gone yet. I'm still here. 
3. I am glad to be out from under such sorry leadership.
4. The disorder is what I fight - it's not who I am.
5. When you start showing faith in me and confidence in me, I am terrified of proving you right. 
6. I have not yet discovered all of who the hell I am.
7. Recovery sucks sometimes. The truth is insane to bear.
8. I don't like a lot of physical closeness. I tremble and back off when someone gets close. THERE I SAID IT.
9. However, I will let near the ones I trust. 
10. I don't like to trust, but sometimes it feels involuntary.
11. Meagan is waiting for this post to happen. No one has ever waited for a post of mine.
12. I had to buy a watch with 3 different alarms on it to remind me to eat. 
13. I am the queen of excuses and procrastination in recovery. Once, I was proud to be such a great liar. (that was long ago.)
14. I don't lie anymore. But you need to ask the right question. 
15. In eating disorder recovery, omitting information is the same as lying. And it is deceiving to your treatment team. 
16. I'm done now. 

Forgive my lack of organization and poise in this post. Some things I never get out right. Turns out, it's the things that matter. 

Honesty is messy.
Eating disorders kill.
Recovery just hurts. 

Thank you for reading. 

Thursday, June 16, 2011

My friend's suicide attempt, my recovery changed forever.

It's a two-word common phrase that pretty much everyone has heard: let go.
I just didn't know what exactly that meant for me. Really, that could be anything. What I didn't anticipate at all was what happened recently that would change my course in recovery to where it needed to be.

For the last 2 or so years, my doctor has been asking me "How can I help you?" I never had an answer for her.Being in therapy about the same amount of time, you'd think I would. Things had, at times, become very confusing long before I could detect any clarity. I never dreamed that  a simple paragraph could change a life so.

I have a friend. She's a total spitfire with a gorgeous spirit about her. She brightens the world to those around her. Well, I got a message from her one afternoon.

She tried to kill herself.

My instinctual, gut reaction was panic. But it was a panic of needing to go tell her RIGHT NOW that she was loved, wanted. She needed to know how important she was and how her very presence is a wonderful contribution to society. But, I could not do that at that particular time. Now...I had to go face a shift at work.

I thought about nothing but her on the drive. But as I fought my tears, something inside me happened. Almost immediately, like someone took my journal and threw it up against my forehead, the answer came to me. It came out of the blue.
I now knew what to answer to Dr. Skinner's question, "How can I help you?" It was so very basic. It was just  what everyone needs, not just myself. And, so I told Dr. Skinner that evening. Why didn't I realize something so basic sooner?
I was too afraid to examine what lay dormant inside me: a form of love.

My friend's suicide attempt threw that unknown feeling right in my face. I was forced to figure out what it was, and at this moment I cannot 100% comprehend it. But, I am guessing it's something that requires more discovery and seeking out.
As long as we continue to explore what lies inside us and use it to the best of our ability, it will not have been for waste.
My friend survived. I'm surviving. Together, we can totally do it together. Love is an army that grows and conquers.

Thank you. 

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Communication as Counselor & Healer: Liberation in Letting Go

Communication as Counselor & Healer: Liberation in Letting Go: "'I recognize that the person I was in my past is not the person I am today.' --Jonathan Lockwood Huie Change is part of our personal p..."
Renee writes a lot of things that coincide with eating disorder recovery. This is a really good post by her. It urges us to ask ourselves what we have to let go of....and we'll be ok doing it.

This blog's purpose.

Something is going to burst from these pages. It's going to be really important. It's already being formulated. Part of it has been composed. My blog is already beginning to serve its purpose. And because people actually read it (thank you, thank you) my purpose continues to come in to focus.
There is a feeling that stirs deep inside me. It's a solid knowledge of something yet to come. Things will change, all the times people believed in me will come full circle and my writing will come into fruition.

I will finally believe what so many others have believed already.
"You can do this."
I will do this.
There's no other way.

It may come in segments, it may come in scraps of nonsense, but what needs to be said about eating disorders and how ridiculously hard recovery is will be said. Full examples given. My honest truth.

But, let it be known, I write for others. In reiteration, there is a purpose, and it starts like this:
"In treatment, my eating disorder didn't exist."

Be Coolio