Suicide

This has been an interesting week. It's the anniversary of a couple of suicide victims I've known. One was a family member that took his life on September 25th, 2008. As I started to heal from that one, on September 29, 2009, a man came into the ER - a suicide. The difference between the two was that I saw the second one. I didn't know his name, but I can tell you every outstanding detail about him. From hair color to shoes. That one was a toughie for a long, long time.
I started intensive outpatient therapy (IOP) this week. Can you guess the very first topic she chose to talk about? Suicidal thoughts. I just shook my head thinking, "You've got to be kidding!" I felt like I had dealt with it enough this week - even journaled about the guy in the ER. I think often of him - and dearly of my family member.

Seriously, if you are having even the slightest thought of suicide, call the number in the picture. People want to help. And you are so worth it!
Thank you for reading.

My friend's suicide attempt, my recovery changed forever.

It's a two-word common phrase that pretty much everyone has heard: let go.
I just didn't know what exactly that meant for me. Really, that could be anything. What I didn't anticipate at all was what happened recently that would change my course in recovery to where it needed to be.

For the last 2 or so years, my doctor has been asking me "How can I help you?" I never had an answer for her.Being in therapy about the same amount of time, you'd think I would. Things had, at times, become very confusing long before I could detect any clarity. I never dreamed that  a simple paragraph could change a life so.

I have a friend. She's a total spitfire with a gorgeous spirit about her. She brightens the world to those around her. Well, I got a message from her one afternoon.

She tried to kill herself.

My instinctual, gut reaction was panic. But it was a panic of needing to go tell her RIGHT NOW that she was loved, wanted. She needed to know how important she was and how her very presence is a wonderful contribution to society. But, I could not do that at that particular time. Now...I had to go face a shift at work.

I thought about nothing but her on the drive. But as I fought my tears, something inside me happened. Almost immediately, like someone took my journal and threw it up against my forehead, the answer came to me. It came out of the blue.
I now knew what to answer to Dr. Skinner's question, "How can I help you?" It was so very basic. It was just  what everyone needs, not just myself. And, so I told Dr. Skinner that evening. Why didn't I realize something so basic sooner?
I was too afraid to examine what lay dormant inside me: a form of love.

My friend's suicide attempt threw that unknown feeling right in my face. I was forced to figure out what it was, and at this moment I cannot 100% comprehend it. But, I am guessing it's something that requires more discovery and seeking out.
As long as we continue to explore what lies inside us and use it to the best of our ability, it will not have been for waste.
My friend survived. I'm surviving. Together, we can totally do it together. Love is an army that grows and conquers.

Thank you.