Thursday, May 26, 2011

The Pride Factor

A tough realization came to me today, and I told my therapist.

I need structure.

It is way too easy for me to simply "forget" a meal. And whatever my dietitian recommends, I must follow. Admitting these things out loud required me to strip away my pride. The words came out through gritted teeth, but they were said in the direct eye contact of my therapist.

It's all about control. She told me today "You need to stop listening to the eating disorder." It's so easy to, though. But, she's right. It was so hard to actually defy the disorder and state the truth. But I felt real. Honest. Better.

When you try and try to stay in control, you are just, in fact, spiraling more and more out of control.

When it pains you to look in the eyes of someone and state the truth, that's when you are regaining control. That's what's real. And then all of a sudden you don't hear the eating disorder voice.

The more work I do, the more the real Jenn shows through. Having an eating disorder for most of your life means rediscovering who you really are when you begin to recover. That's scary. Pride in the disorder will kill you. For me, shedding my pride is allowing people to know the real me. So far I think I know something concrete about myself.

Humor. I learned how to use it as a defense mechanism and still do. However, I believe it's genuine and authentic. I wasn't sure for the longest time, believe it or not. And pride? Well, it's one thing to be proud of your kids for something, but when pride gets in the way of your daily life, that's way bad.

Letting go,
~J

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