Thursday, June 16, 2011

My friend's suicide attempt, my recovery changed forever.

It's a two-word common phrase that pretty much everyone has heard: let go.
I just didn't know what exactly that meant for me. Really, that could be anything. What I didn't anticipate at all was what happened recently that would change my course in recovery to where it needed to be.

For the last 2 or so years, my doctor has been asking me "How can I help you?" I never had an answer for her.Being in therapy about the same amount of time, you'd think I would. Things had, at times, become very confusing long before I could detect any clarity. I never dreamed that  a simple paragraph could change a life so.

I have a friend. She's a total spitfire with a gorgeous spirit about her. She brightens the world to those around her. Well, I got a message from her one afternoon.

She tried to kill herself.

My instinctual, gut reaction was panic. But it was a panic of needing to go tell her RIGHT NOW that she was loved, wanted. She needed to know how important she was and how her very presence is a wonderful contribution to society. But, I could not do that at that particular time. Now...I had to go face a shift at work.

I thought about nothing but her on the drive. But as I fought my tears, something inside me happened. Almost immediately, like someone took my journal and threw it up against my forehead, the answer came to me. It came out of the blue.
I now knew what to answer to Dr. Skinner's question, "How can I help you?" It was so very basic. It was just  what everyone needs, not just myself. And, so I told Dr. Skinner that evening. Why didn't I realize something so basic sooner?
I was too afraid to examine what lay dormant inside me: a form of love.

My friend's suicide attempt threw that unknown feeling right in my face. I was forced to figure out what it was, and at this moment I cannot 100% comprehend it. But, I am guessing it's something that requires more discovery and seeking out.
As long as we continue to explore what lies inside us and use it to the best of our ability, it will not have been for waste.
My friend survived. I'm surviving. Together, we can totally do it together. Love is an army that grows and conquers.

Thank you. 


Tammy said...

i love this post. it makes so much are an inspiration!!!

Meagan said...

Jenn, you are truly an amazing person, and such a beautiful soul. Just know that this friend of yours cherishes you in so many ways, and you could never comprehend how much hope, grace, and serenity she sees in your smile. You have inspired her and given her the confidence to face her demons. This friend needs you and the love and support, both of which are unconditional and unwavering, you offer so much. Not just in the down times either. She wants to share her dreams, goals, and successes with you. This friend wants to hold your hand in your journey and be there as a rock you know you can count on. She wants you to know that you truly mean so much to so many people, and everyone's life you enter you make a profound difference in. Jenn, this friend loves you, and I say it because I mean it. Thank you for being there for me and being my friend.

CommCounselor said...

Beautiful! I'm so grateful that you and your friend are recovering together, and that you learned such a valuable lesson from this process. That's what it's all about, after all.

Be Coolio