Wednesday, September 14, 2011

How Long?

After my very first meeting with my therapist in 2009 I asked her "How long is this going to take?" And after that first session she answered with "It's going to take a long time." Well. It's 2011, and I still see her weekly. I think we've finally reached the main issue. Relationships with other people.

It's so hard for me to establish and maintain relationships of any kind. With my husband, I didn't have to get to know him; I grew up with him. I have a friend that is one of my agents in my power of attorney for healthcare. I've very comfortable with her.

I do fear that people will take this personally. But if you want to know what it's like having an eating disorder, this is it. With others, I'll smile a genuine smile and be happy to see you, but I fear getting too close. Physically and emotionally. I fear you really won't like who I am inside. I'm starting to figure out who that is. Here are some things I am:
I am a writer.
I am a perfectionist.
I must have my dictionary, thesaurus, notebook and blue pen with me at all times.
I've been diagnosed with major depression, ED-NOS, anxiety, insomnia and ADHD.
I also have hypertension and chronic constipation (complication from the ED).
I've got a lot of OCD tendencies, but not diagnosed.
Do you still want to know me? Do you want to work hard at building a relationship with me?
Do you know that's why recovery is taking so long? A lot of people don't want to make the effort and get tired of trying...as do I.

"I need you to know. I'm not through the night, some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light."
"There are days I'm not ok, and I need your help." - Superchic(k)

My goals in therapy are very socially oriented. And I am having a very, very hard time with it.
This is life with an eating disorder. You can see why it would take a long, long time to recovery....if I ever do. I've been told I'll die. I've been asked how badly I want to recover. Power statements and questions that need to be said.

Thank you for reading.

1 comment:

Meagan said...

you will and can do it...i know you can jenn...i really do

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