Friday, October 7, 2011

I Let Go

It's been said that recovery from an eating disorder can take years. My own therapist, Kristin, told me this will take a long time. I am currently entering year 3 in active recovery. One issue that has completely hung up and delayed progress was my need to control my own recovery. I had everyone in place: two MD's, a Ph.D, and a RD. I kept my appointments. I showed. I payed what I owed. But I bucked.
Kristin would tell me from time to time "You say you want to recover, but you don't do the work."
I would not do what my dietitian said.
At times I was non-compliant with all my meds.
Yes, that was me controlling my own recovery and working it my own way.

After over 2 years, I finally decided that I had to let go of everything: my pride, my need to control and perfect, and my need to direct my recovery. I was going no where until I let Kristin, Jocele, Tim, and Rhonda do their jobs and help me. I had to follow every direction.

And guess what?

It's true. Recovery can happen. I'm still in the process, but following all their directions has dramatically changed my outlook on things. I no longer think I will die from this disorder. I actually believe in full recovery, being recovered. Recovered. Fully. My moods are stabilizing. I have individual therapy, group therapy and medical appointments regularly. I'm actually enjoying therapy now!

Interestingly enough, I don't feel the need to control my recovery anymore. I just do the work, and that in itself is working. I'm excited right now; I get to make a recovery collage. I've never done that.

I let go. I'm meeting the real me for the first time in 18 years. And let me tell you, she's a pretty determined gal.
Don't give up. Let go. Let your team work you. And just believe in yourself. You're so worth it, and it's so possible.

Thanks for reading.

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