Friday, February 3, 2012

Mourning ED

I don't understand why it's normal. Why is it a sign of recovery? I don't get how I could possibly cry and mourn over realizing that this is the end of my eating disorder, diagnoses ED-NOS and Bulimia Nervosa. But it happened. Without me even realizing it.

I was just washing dinner dishes....nothing unique. Kids were playing and I had a glorious, laughter filled day. But as I washed the dishes, my lip started trembling. And I started to sniffle....by the time I realized I had tears forming in my eyes, it was loud and clear: This is the end of my disorder. I occasionally looked up at my reflection in the window. Claiming identity in the eating disorder for 19 years, I had finally understood and willfully accepted that that's not who I was. It was something I had. And it was my time....doing dishes and putting them away....to move on. I realized I have no time or room to hold vigil to an eating disorder. It demanded all of me, and I was unwilling to participate. I knew...I just KNEW that I had better things waiting for me. I had a dream and vision to pursue. And I knew I was doing it with encouragement and confirmation from God. And I was finally able to cry about the loss of this disordered relationship and not feel any question or emptiness.

I felt calm. Sure. Confident in my future and the work that I am doing. I know it's right. It's meant to be. And I finally realized that ----------------------->

It's been there all the time. I knew it but wasn't satisfied with it. And God let me take my time.

And my therapist is leaving. I've been with her for 3 years. Weekly. Am I nervous? Yep. Scared beyond my wildest imagination? OH YAH. How do I feel now that my treatment team is minimized to 2 people? Ridiculously worried that I will have to say goodbye to someone else. I'm not ready for that. But I'm not ready to lose Kristin yet, either. But maybe God thinks I am. Perhaps he's tired of my stalling tactics and decided to up the ante. I wouldn't put it past Him. I'm stubborn as hell.

I'm going to need help. That's a fact. And I'll admit it. Just did. if you know me....please watch me. Question me if you think something is wrong. And just know that I am still in mourning. I don't know when I will get out. But I'm not going to rush this. Time to think about me and go with it....gently. Time to make up for 19 years of bondage. The chains have been removed.

Welcome back.


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