As part of my admissions materials for Center For Change is a 17-page questionnaire that is to be filled out by another family member - in my case, my spouse. I swear I almost dropped the packet when I read that. These are intensely personal questions that require honest answers.
When you hear pounding on the desk and the rustle of papers mingled with an occasional chuckle, you know Jason is working on the questionnaire. He got stuck on a few, so I had to help.
AND......for the first time in two years Jason came to therapy with me. My therapist, Kristin, has been trying to get me to bring him in for about a year now. I had no idea what to expect. They seemed to hit it off nicely and dived right in. What I came out of with from that session is as follows.
I realized today that I don't want the disorder to be a part of me anymore. It's had 18 years so far, and I think I've been more than generous. I don't want it to be who I am. I don't want it to be my identity. But who am I without it?
I don't know.
I have no idea who I would be or what I would be like if I didn't have this eating disorder. So who is this full, honest, free Jenn? Don't know yet. Still have the disorder.
This is not going to rule my life. I WILL recover. I'm choosing life. I'm choosing to accept the help - whatever that may be. I will follow orders from my doctor, therapist and dietitian. I will exhaust myself if necessary. But at least in the exhaustion I will feel truth.
And that is the truth.