Tuesday, January 10, 2012

The Extremely Tricky Part

Weight loss. Realistic loss for health. Needs to be done. My doc told me she's happy where I am now considered where I was. Ok.....but I'm not happy.
She knows this. She said my weight is stable, and yes, I choose to know the number. Takes the blinders off. It's ok for me, but not a smart choice for everyone.

Had a little slip. Got so tired of shoving everything inside and keeping quiet that I lapsed. For a little while. It's somewhat comforting that this will happen. It's totally a normal part of the process.
This comforts me. I, for once, don't have to feel perfect and error-free.

I quiickly rebound after my intent was questioned by my doc. I hate being questioned. Having my intent questioned is like having my pride and integrity attacked. Yah, that's how my brain currently thinks, and that's what's got to change.

But the issue of losing weight. I can't predict how I'll do. Losing weight to me is like being trapped in my own private oblivion. I feel sooooo satisfied.

I'm nervous. Very. It's a step that will need to be taken. Soon.

I feel like a newborn. Trying to live this loving, positive life. Right now, I am heavily dependent on my treatment team. All I can do until I get my bearings is do what they say. And don't question. No talking back. No smirky lip curls. None of that. Just total submission.

While this feels like the most complete give up of control I have ever experienced in my tumultuous life, I know deep down just how strong someone must be to move forward.

This is freakin' sticky. Controversial. Bold. Reality at its ugliest. And me at my most vulnerable.

Thanks for reading.

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