Ending

2011. This has been one of the most tumultuous years of my life. I entered eating disorder treatment and was discharged because of insurance issues. 4 days. I was crushed.
I totaled my Honda. Andrew and I escaped without a scratch.
I was fired. Completely traumatized. But I received my justice. If I were to give them a piece of my mind, I would BLOW their minds. And I wouldn't have used one negative word.

Changes in my treatment and who's been treating me. Intensive outpatient. Still close follow up with my physicians and my therapist. But 3 more counselors added. Crazy insane.

Hubby went back to school. He just aced his finals this week. I'm so proud of him.

I've been confused, hurt, lonely and resentful beyond belief. But I've had time. A lot of time. When my friend told me she no longer saw the hollow look in my eyes, I was filled with so much hope. I felt God press on my heart that my heart has indeed been healed and is no longer damaged. I remain hopeful. I am still frightened by the unknown, but it's time for me to raise my chin up and grab it, head on.
The most important people in my life haven't given up on me. They've remained faithful to me and have been encouraging. During my darkest moments, I have been shown mercy by an incredible person. She's taught me a lot about compassion just by her actions.

I'll be ok. I am stronger and more vigilant. I know my triggers; I know how to make it through.

What seems devastating in one's life can become the most obvious blessings. Sometimes one just needs a little shove, a kick in the tush, and just a little love to recognize that.

Bring it.

Lessons Learned.

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I Let Go

It's been said that recovery from an eating disorder can take years. My own therapist, Kristin, told me this will take a long time. I am currently entering year 3 in active recovery. One issue that has completely hung up and delayed progress was my need to control my own recovery. I had everyone in place: two MD's, a Ph.D, and a RD. I kept my appointments. I showed. I payed what I owed. But I bucked.
Kristin would tell me from time to time "You say you want to recover, but you don't do the work."
I would not do what my dietitian said.
At times I was non-compliant with all my meds.
Yes, that was me controlling my own recovery and working it my own way.

After over 2 years, I finally decided that I had to let go of everything: my pride, my need to control and perfect, and my need to direct my recovery. I was going no where until I let Kristin, Jocele, Tim, and Rhonda do their jobs and help me. I had to follow every direction.

And guess what?

It's true. Recovery can happen. I'm still in the process, but following all their directions has dramatically changed my outlook on things. I no longer think I will die from this disorder. I actually believe in full recovery, being recovered. Recovered. Fully. My moods are stabilizing. I have individual therapy, group therapy and medical appointments regularly. I'm actually enjoying therapy now!

Interestingly enough, I don't feel the need to control my recovery anymore. I just do the work, and that in itself is working. I'm excited right now; I get to make a recovery collage. I've never done that.

I let go. I'm meeting the real me for the first time in 18 years. And let me tell you, she's a pretty determined gal.
Don't give up. Let go. Let your team work you. And just believe in yourself. You're so worth it, and it's so possible.

Thanks for reading.

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WHO | World Mental Health Day October 10, 2011

WHO | World Mental Health Day  

Who Says...?

The following are lyrics to a song I heard in my diet-free living class tonight. I could not find a link for the actual song. Song inspired by the book When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies by Carol Munter and Jane Hirschmann.

Who Says...?

WHO SAYS my thighs gotta be thin, who says?

Who says my thighs gotta be thing, who says?

My thighs & hips are strong, you see, they carry all the rest of me

Who says my thighs gotta be thin, who says?

WHO SAYS my butt better be small, who says?

Who says my butt better be small, who says?

My butt supports me when I sit, without it none of my pants would fit

Who says my butt better be small, who says?

WHO SAYS my belly can't be round, who says?

Who says my belly can't be round, who says?

My belly is where I rest my hands, it holds the best of my female glands

Who says my belly can't be round, who says?

WHO SAYS my chin can't double, who says?

Who says my chin can't double, who says?

If one chin's a necessity, then why not two, or even three?

Who says my chin can't double, who says?

WHO SAYS my breasts ain't OK, who says?

Who says my breasts ain't OK, who says?

Breasts are where I laid my head & slept so sweet, 'n even got fed

Who says my breasts ain't OK, who says?

WHO SAYS stay young forever, who says?

Who says stay young forever, who says?

My wrinkles are a legacy, a roadmap of my herstory

Who says stay young forever, who says?

WHO SAYS that thin is better, who says?

Who says that thin is better, who says?

In this big complex universe where everyone is so diverse,

Demanding thin is so perverse , so, who says?

WHO SAYS my body is wrong, oh, who says?

Who says my body is wrong, oh, who says?

My cellulite is bad, my waist is too thick

And who I am so contradict...............NO!

I'm just fine it's the culture that's sick, oh, I says!