Monday, January 9, 2012

The Time I Was Questioned

The time? More like times. Most recently I was questioned about my intent. Do I want to continue on or get better? I have been asked that countless times in my almost 3 years of active recovery. No one dances around the question. Everyone knows my games, and the question is always asked point blank.

So? The answer?

Ultimately, yes. However, one must understand that bulimia has been a part of my life for 19 years. It's not like sticking a patch on and weaning off from it. This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. Quitting smoking and drinking was thousands times easier. Keeping my eating disorder around meant I had something to dive into when I wanted to self destruct. There was something certain that could be my demise. It dulled feelings and thoughts that I have worked 19 years to hide and ignore. Without it, I expose myself. Me. The REAL me. And I am still discovering exactly who that is.

My treatment team is phenomenal and has more faith in me, I think, than I have in myself. I respect people that ask me straight out if I want to recover or not. That question burns me. I hate it. It forces me to really stop and be honest with myself. Staring your own truth in the face is scary. It's honest and real. And you can't escape it. No amount of vomiting or laxative use can completely hide the truth.

And the truth is....I'm discovering. It's taking a long time. And I'm still working at it because people believe in me. I've had intimate conversations with my team about how hard it is. I can never fully describe it.

My therapist, Kristin, made a good point to me last week in session. She told me it's her job to do the best she can for me. To help me, to encourage me. And, she said, she expects the same from me. Own up to recovery and the fact that I show up in her office each week. Do the work. Be honest. Take control of my life. Yep, sista said it well.
That conversation was followed up with my MD asking if I want to recover or not.

Bottom line...moment of truth. I suck at lying. They all know this. They know when I omit information. My face says everything about me. I hate that. But, I think, it's saved me. I can't get away with anything anymore because I respect them too much to lie. And I owe them the best I can offer. So, when I am asked if I want to recover or not, this is what I'm able to come up with.

I will treat it as a journey. A learning experience. I will take whatever struggles I have and deal as they come. And they do indeed come. Frequently. This is the one life I've got. I've been sick for most of it. I'm ready to start discovering the real me. And I want everyone to know who that is. Most of all, I want what I said during my baptismal statement.
I want to live a life Jesus would be proud of. And I will do the work to honor that statement. For once, I am vowing to be true to myself. That, as I just NOW realized, is the first step to me loving myself.

I love my life. It's not easy. But I am damn lucky to live it. God knows I'm worth it. I'm actually starting to believe it myself.
Thank you to all that have been a part of my journey. It's been gnarly, and I hope you're all still game. I am.

Thanks so much for reading.

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